Any parent who has had more than one child knows of the issue of , “the fighting over the toys”. Some days seem to go smoothly regarding play, but if honest most days seem to leave one dealing with the seemingly endless emotional outbreaks dealing with this issue. I have seen and heard of extremes in how this type of situation is handled. Regardless of how it is dealt with, there is always a desire for the situation to improve and lead to less selfishness within the home and less outbreaks.
Growing up I had one friend that my mother always said would tear up my toys. When that friend was coming over, she would put up certain toys to prevent this from happening. Once I got grounded for letting a friend ride my bike. My parents had told me not to allow others to ride it, however, I did at times. One of those times my parents were looking down the street and saw that I was letting one of my friends try a ride on it. When questioned about it, I lied despite the fact they saw it with their own eyes. Consequentially, I was spending time in my room instead of being able to play with the others outside.
I did not have a sibling until the age of seven. I now wonder how my mother would have handled it if I had one to argue over the toys with. I’m sure she would have had to figure something different out rather than hiding our toys. Even having seven years between my sister and I, I understand the irritations of being in the middle of something and having other hands come in and destroy it and the parents taking the side of the younger one just because they are younger and the older one should know better. I do not agree with any of these ways to handling this type of situation.
While my Mother actively hid my toys from kids that proved haphazard while playing with them, some parents can even be more open about how they feel about it, such as labeling toys and daring another kid to touch it at all. Then there is the other extreme of making a child give up the toy he or she was actively playing with right when the other kids says he or she wants it. Both of these can have negative effects.
I wish when my kids were little that I had taken more time to observe some of this in the way of looking into, as opposed to being in the middle of the action, but it wasn’t until my kids were older that I actually had time to do that. One thing I never noticed when my kids were little is that, just as much as there is a problem with kids not wanting to share, there is the problem of coveting.
I first noticed this when I had bought identical gifts for one of my son’s kids. The siblings were not quite a year apart. They are, what I now know is referred to as, Irish twins. I bought the same toy for each of them and my goal was to hopefully spare their parents from having to listen to the fighting over one toy. I had observed them fighting over the same toy while at my house and I thought it would be nice for each of them to have one they could keep at their own home because they loved it so much.
It worked for about an hour, but then a fight came along because the youngest sibling wanted the toy the oldest had. I reminded him that he had one just like it lying on the floor a couple feet away. He responded by saying he wanted the one his sister had, not his. It was at that moment I realized how big a deal that coveting is involved in this just as much as not wanting to share an item.
If you do not teach your child to share, then they will become very selfish in the way they behave and they will never learn some keys to working together as a team. On the other hand, if you let another child be allowed to always receive or take away a toy when they want it, regardless of the fact it was being played with by someone else, then you raise a child that expects everyone in life to give them what they want immediately and to be discontent when that doesn’t happen. This also leads to selfishness.
There are so many things to take into consideration while dealing with this. Such as, some kids have personalities which makes them more of a loner socially, while other kids are totally inclusive and willing to share almost anything. However, even those most willing can have their moments. One also has to take into account that toddlers have to learn how to play well with others. It has been fun watching the transition from one not being able to pretend into becoming very proficient with it as he or she matures. This also plays a part in his or her understanding all of these concepts of sharing and coveting , but often times I have been amazed at how young they did catch on.
Another thing to consider is that some kids thrive when they have a project and they are allowed to work on it alone better than they do in a group setting. Their job when they grow up may be one of which primarily they will have to work alone the majority of the project. It is hard to know where to draw the line in teaching both of these traits in a way that will compliment the way God designed a child. It will not take long for you to see who is the outgoing one and who may not be an outgoing one. In saying that, however, I think we can all agree that selfishness does not have to be taught to any child. They come here knowing full well how to demonstrate this unwanted and undesired trait and it has to be dealt with regardless of their personality.
One may have to be creative in getting both the concept of sharing, as well as not having a heart that covets what another has at any given moment, learned by a child. Observing the things I mentioned above has changed the way I deal with this topic concerning the three grandkids I watch three days a week. I noticed that on some days they would bring toys over to my house from their house. To teach the concept of respecting someone else’s property, I told them that when one of them brings a toy from their home that for that day, it is theirs alone to play with when they want to play alone. I told them that all of the toys at my house were to be shared and that included if they left the toy they brought for that day overnight. They learned a phrase from school which states sharing is caring, so they are beginning to understand the concept of both sharing and not taking away what someone else has.
I know my situation is different because they are changing environments from their home to my home. These ideas are just what worked for me, but maybe you can let each child choose his or her favorite toy and teach the other siblings that is their property and they need to respect it and allow them to have some alone time to play with it while still having the rule that all of the other toys will have to be shared. I am not saying the one who currently has the toy should have to give it over to another child requesting it right then. Instruct the other child that when their sibling is through with it, then it will be their turn to have time with it. This also teaches delayed gratification which is becoming less and less easy to teach through our society because everything is so readily available to our fingertips.
Of course some days will be harder than others. Some days you will feel successful at this and others not so much. However, at least you will have a plan to address both of these issues. Doing the job of parenting is one of the most stressful things to do when done right and on purpose, for a purpose, but look how many people have survived all of the hard work. In the end it will be one of the most rewarding things you ever did. It seems like some of the hardest things in parenting last forever, but take it from me, it will be over before you know it. I wish you success!!
SeasonedMomBlog 